Florida doesn't have any real sports teams beyond the college level

The Gators, Seminoles, and Hurricanes are legit. But all Florida's pro sports teams feel like Disneyland attractions. The Orlando Magic? Sounds like a kids half-time show. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers? Can you say "Pirates of the Carribean"? The Florida Marlins? I'd rather be sport fishing, actually, than watch that crap. The Miami Heat? Sounds like what you get after a night with a South Beach hooker. And don't even get me started on the Panthers. An NHL team, in Florida, named after a tropical cat? The Jags are the only pro sports team in the entire state with a shot at being cool. The rest are no different than Magic Mountain, Sea World, or Disney with sneakers on.

Rebuttal
Two words for ya, buttercup: EXPANSION TEAMS!

I'm sure your fan loyalty dates all the way back to your childhood. When you and your dad went to games together, just like he did with his dad -- a great tradition. Oh, wait... NONE OF THE FLORIDA TEAMS EXISTED DURING YOUR CHILDHOOD! Time for your sports history lesson, SmackDaddy. Here are the Florida teams and the year of their expansion into their respective leagues:
NFL
Miami Dolphins - 1966
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - 1976
Jacksonville Jaguars - 1995
NBA
Miami Heat - 1988
Orlando Magic - 1989
MLB
Florida Marlins - 1993
Tampa Bay Devil Rays - 1998
NHL
Florida Panthers - 1993
Tampa Bay Lightning - 1992

How many people even know the Tampa Bay Lightning is a real team!? I'll bet most of the people who LIVE in Florida barely recognize their own teams. They're all fans of the teams they grew up with from OTHER parts of the country. Probably your most successful franchise, the Marlins, can't get anyone to come to their g

Smackalicious, I’ve enjoyed our good-natured smacking so far. But you’ve stirred up a hornet’s nest here and I’m afraid I’m going to have to show your ass the proverbial smack door.

I should first point out that discounting Florida universities from this discussion is like discounting blondes from a beauty pageant. Their perennial dominance in all sports- men’s and women’s- is thanks largely to home-grown talent. But I digress...

Let’s review the facts:

MLB- At time of writing, both FL baseball teams are in first place while the mega-rich Yankees sport a losing record and the Mets continue to under-achieve. The Marlins have two World Series titles in their short lifespan and while the Yankees have had great success, they grossly outspend their competition.

NFL- The Jags are solid, the Bucs won it all five years ago and the ‘Fins, whilst admittedly having a rough go of things at the moment (to put it politely), are a proud team with a rich history. You have got the Giants (hats off to ‘em!) but you’ve also got the pitiful Jets and I’m afraid it’s a package deal.

NBA- The Heat won the title two years ago and the Magic always produce competitive rosters. The Knicks, meanwhile, are arguably the most mismanaged team in the history of sports- from top to bottom, they are, and always have been, a complete mess!

NHL- Too easy. The Rangers had a brief moment of success in 1993, but before and since have generally basked in mediocrity while the Islanders have been the NHL whipping-boys for the past 25 years. The Lightning won the Cup in 2003.

In summary, Smackalicious, you’re way off base! Check the facts and you’ll see that, despite some admittedly stupid team names, Florida teams are miles ahead of the under-achieving, poorly-managed, over-paid, NY-based teams.